My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize