Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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