I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We are two peas in an std pod
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
