i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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