I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize