I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
