drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
