So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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