he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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