great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
