So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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