So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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