Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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