I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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