Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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