For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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