There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
