there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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