If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Two words: blizzard sex
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
