i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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