My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
