it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
These tits shall not be calmed
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
