You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
