you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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