I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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