we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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