i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
