went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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