Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize