I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
A bitchslap is in order.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
