He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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