Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
