Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
