I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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