So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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