i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
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