after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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