Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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