The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize