Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
