1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
