I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize