After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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