Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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