The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
