How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
