There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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