My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The adults are the big ones right?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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