just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
