Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
