I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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