just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i think im in europe. pls send help
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
