woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize