I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
