I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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