I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
