guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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