can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
